💂♂️ If the British Still Ruled India... 🇬🇧
(A Cynical Satire in Three Acts)
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📜 Act I: The Divine White Burden
> "We didn't colonize India. We fulfilled prophecy. The Queen's Corgis barked thrice at the map — that's how we knew Calcutta was promised."
Her Majesty’s Imperial Theologian, 2025
Under the new curriculum, kids are taught that tea was actually an Anglo-Saxon sacrament.
“Tandoori” is just a mistranslation of “Tender-royal”.
Koh-i-Noor? Just fulfilling the verse from the Book of Victorian Revelations:
> “And lo, the jewel shall return unto its rightful pale hand.”
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🏰 Act II: The Partition of Sanity
> “We only drew the lines to keep the savages from hurting each other. You’re welcome.”
Lord Recolonial Soggybottom, Head of the Indo-Anglican Security Fence Division
In this reboot:
Delhi is the capital of “East Greater Oxfordshire.”
Mumbai is renamed “Port Beaconsfield.”
Every dissenter is labeled “anti-britannical.”
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🕍 Act III: The Promised Parliament
> “This land was given to us by... well, ourselves. We wrote it down. Look! A parchment! Smells like Empire!”
Archbishop of Divine Eminent Domain
New argument:
British Israelism 2.0:
“The lost tribe of Yorkshire wandered through the Punjab until they found their way back to tea and cricket.”
And when Indians resist?
> “Terrorists! They hate our liberty, monarchy, and roast beef!”
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🏴☠️ Final Word:
If the Brits still ruled India, they'd hold a Referendum in Buckingham Palace on whether India should be theirs —
…vote 1-0.
Result? “A clear mandate from the Crown.”
Then they’d build a settler colony in Lutyens Delhi, call it “Royal Heritage Redevelopment,”
and tell you you’re lucky to have cobblestones and Anglican hymns.
#EndColonialism #TheEnd #EndOfNations