WHO THE HELL DECIDES YOUR BITCOIN LIGHTNING ADDRESS AND HOW TF DO I CHANGE IT

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It is easiest to use a custodial service like nostr:npub1getal6ykt05fsz5nqu4uld09nfj3y3qxmv8crys4aeut53unfvlqr80nfm and they will provide you with one.

Heh? I'm trying to wrap my head around this but so far it seems very centralized and no different than Twitter. I've been spoon fed 187 accounts to follow and my lightning address was derived on my behalf.

Alby is not a custodial service! ;)