A lot of our stuff still go straight back to our childhood traumas.

Out of nowhere, my mom would get mad and start screaming at something I said or did and I don't even know why. And she won't tell me. She'd require me to figure it out on my own and then make an apology the exact way she wanted it, otherwise she refused to speak to me all night.

When dad was always at some business dinner and the apartment was dead quiet and outside was very very dark. For a 5 yo, that was a scary place.

I remember crying hysterically begging her speak to me, night after night, trying to apologize as best as I can, wrecking my brain to figure out what I did or said wrong...usually to no avail...

So, I still jerk at people's unresponsiveness to maybe even a text. And I have the tendency to read into every little reaction IRL or over messaging.

Some of these reads are accurate; some only tortures myself.

Anyways, healing first starts with awareness. That's what I'm doing today.

Hope this note helps somebody else as well.

#healstr