Ok so there are 5,000 years worth of examples of monies that didn't work. Now there is Bitcoin, which takes into account all of the reasons why those monies didn't work. We understand the limitations of L1, which are required to solve the whole “doesn't work” problem, and we have L2s and other options like Cashu and Fedi, etc, to work around the limitations.

But Bitcoin is crap because of some straw man about beer and condoms?

The great thing about Bitcoin is that it's opt-in and open for anyone and everyone to attack or compete. Please implement your better idea (I'm sure you have one) so that we can all use that instead. I would be more than happy to switch from Bitcoin to something better. Have not seen anything meeting that criteria so far.