Probably may have something to do with the fact I am reading about the horrible things that the ruling class have done especially since the beginning of the 20th century, eugenics, birth control, manufactured conflict...

It is depressing stuff that I feel powerless against and is a constant reminder everywhere I look, one of the benefits of my above average memory.

I want to believe that this is all a test that will end soon because there is no hope in this world until these vicious manipulators are eliminated.

I'm up for it, just some afternoons it is a gloomy cloud over everything.

I have got a long way to go before I am recovered from drinking so much over the years. Perhaps also the fact that today the double vision was particularly bad this morning.

I think there must be more things than vitamin B deficient. Some kind of cofactors. Something that is in a substantial percentage of most forms of alcohol, especially beer and apple cider.

Something that was masking the damage enough the rest of the problem could fester away until I had chronic tinnitus and started getting double vision.

Anyhow, it's not happening any more. IDGAF how much this urge nags me. I just look back over 25 years and think what a waste. I'm nearly officially old yet inside I am still the same.

The only thing that's progressed is I'm not so naive and finally took all the risks to get to being able to work on what I believe in. But I don't know if this effort is going to even matter soon.