I'm confused about this. If I set five relays and others are not connected at all to the relays I use, how will they see my posts? Please help me understand

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They won’t, at least in damus’ current model. This is either a feature or not depending on your use case.

Future versions will have autopilot which will just work without having any manual configuration

Is there an easy way to know which relay some people are connected to so I can use the same relays?