i'm so tired lately

i mean, really, i have no wake-up energy and no amount of rest is making me feel like i'm actually ready to tackle what i have to do

i feel like working for a subcontractor might be a really bad thing for my health

i can't deny that i also have some issues with the whole business of accepting funding that is acquired through the circuitous and speculative mechanism of hype/gambling via token issuance, instead of looking for a way to get funds to work on something that actually matters and not doing it in an arrangement that really doesn't suit me

building a relay at the same time as negotiating with a young and inexperienced developer making changes in configurations and code has led to a neverending stream of regressions, bugs hiding behind concealed state information, and frankly i don't like doing this all in such a hurry for a deadline, i need to wipe the slate clean from time to time and rebuild, idk what to say, it's like i've built a lamborghini prototype, and even though i made bad decisions about some crucial piece of the engineering we have to roll on and hit the deadline even though the machine has got pistons and pins and springs in the wrong place and it barely is gonna roll for 1km at full tilt

i am not experienced with doing architecture and i find it very challenging and today i am encountering bugs where clients were not reporting being connected

then i finally fixed that, and now it's not reporting either receiving or sending queries to events, and it looks like the client isn't liking what the relay is doing

nostrudel seems to work, but everything else no, although now they are at least not saying they are disconnected

monday is the day all this has to be demonstrated and it's not ready

it's not ready and i am not in a sound state of mind and i don't want to have another debate with my colleague about how to engineer multi level caches when he hasn't even engineered one cache in his life (i've got about 5 of them under my belt)

what to do? do i rage quit? do i ghost? i got some problems solved today but mostly i've been patching up a big hole i put in the upper side of my left hand, and fixing my transportation so it actually works and doesn't make constant noises, and in 15 minutes i have to talk to a PM who just smiles and nods and knows that idk wtf i'm doing and then i have to talk to my colleague who is doing mostly fine, if a bit slow at his task, and i can't see how this is gonna work