it's super frustrating having 10 million sats in limbo for 3+ months. I stupidly tried opening a channel at 1 sat/vbyte. Any help to reclaim these sats would be much appreciated. I'm not great at terminal.....so I'd need step by step instructions. Thanks

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Did you send it from an on chain wallet. If you did see if you can cancel transaction or bump the fees. Some wallets have these options