Most simple answer I have come up with:

Fiat = Governments can print money for free.

Crypto = Anyone can print money for free.

Bitcoin = No one can print money for free.

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Nobody can print XMR.

What are you talking about? The entire supply was printed for free by the creators and given to the foundation to release into the wild as they please.

Gold = God printed money and left us to do the work.

Yes, and it was the best form of money until we needed the ability to transact instantly over great distances.

Agreed.

Simple and elegant