I envy those who can turn off their minds

Who can rest

Who can sit still

Only because I cannot

I’m naturally restless

Even as a child, I would wake early, eager to start projects, chase ideas, or hunt down new information

When I discovered alcohol in my teens, it became a crutch… something to slow my thoughts & ironically, help me focus

In my twenties, I found caffeine and used it through the daylight hours to sharpen my attention

Only a few months ago, in later adulthood, I was reintroduced to THC, and with it came an unexpected clarity, a narrowing of focus & sharpening of ideas

I’ve always been addicted to physical exercise…

the endorphin rush, the oxygen flowing through my body, the symmetry in movement

The burn of lactic acid building in my muscles, lingering for days as a reminder of effort and achievement

But all of these… are drugs

Not to be abused, but drugs just the same

Still, I envy those who can turn off their minds

Who can rest

Who can sit still

Only because I cannot