How do I reassemble them into real gold?

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You find someone who takes BTC for gold... But beware, you'll lose some of it on the trade (gold dealers usually charge a 10%+ premium) *and* you'll be KYC'd.

Hm, seems better not to slice it up if I can help it

Seems better to hold bitcoin.

Why's that?

See my earlier response to BankSith...