Life will humble you whether you like it or not. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I was reflecting this morning on deep thoughts after having a big loss.

Here is my deep thought for someone having a hard time:

This is the taste of defeat; so many thoughts and emotions pour through me as I lie here in complete silence, hours after losing in one of the biggest moments of my life. But is it really a loss? Only time can tell, but boy, the taste of defeat already is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. It is confusing, lonely, and embarrassing. I know I am capable of more, and that is the most frustrating part, knowing that I wasn't at my best going into this moment, with all the things that I had to deal with. I guess this is a reality check, that I am not some superhuman, who can persevere and use mental fortitude to fix everything. Dealing with sickness and different situations, in fact, my mental fortitude has now bitten me in the ass. I am so hell-bent on moving forward with everything that I do, even if sometimes it is not good for me. I am learning more from this loss than all of my wins combined, and maybe that is where the silver lining lies. I know the universe has a plan for me and a very important one at that, so I am hoping to find peace, knowing that this is for the greater good of my own life. I am a bit lost right now, with so many thoughts crossing my mind. Will this loss truly motivate me to work even harder and come back with a vengeance? I feel like I don't want to go in public. How does this affect the next couple months/years of my life? I feel so alone, even though my family, friends, and support system are showering me with love and praise and telling me how "good" everything is. It doesn't seem to help much. I know this was a great experience and that there are so many positives that happened, but it doesn't seem to make me feel any better. One side of me feels like this is going to turn me into an absolute savage who goes even harder and takes everything even more seriously than I already did. The other part of me just doesn't know what's next. It doesn't know what it wants and is second guessing the plan I had for myself. I guess this wouldn't be the first time all of my plans got derailed. I guess this is why they call it the loneliest profession in the world. I know the universe is putting me through this test alone, so I can find my inner love and strength. Deep down, I do love myself and I know I did the best I could, but for now, I am definitely just a little bit upset with myself. There are so many lessons to be learned from this. They will slowly all start to unfold in front of me. I don't want to forget them. I found it tough to have conversations with my loved ones immediately after this. There is only so much you can say, and the words feel forced. All I kept saying is, "I'll be back". Normally, I know exactly what to say. Normally, I am not at a loss for words. For now, there are so many things to figure out and I guess all I can do is take it step by step, day by day and really prove to myself what I am made of. It is easy to go around in life after winning, being all happy, life is jolly, confidence is high, ego is rubbed, everything is booming. Now I learn how to live on the other side of that and still find happiness, joy, and peace within it all. That seems to be the test and lesson here. I guess, just like all the movies, the main character always has to come back from a loss, and that is where the greatest respect is earned. I guess, since I have always said my life feels like a movie, this is just following along with that. Who am I to question the universe now? It is time to figure out who I am, what I am made of for myself.

If you read it completely, thank you. Wish you well 🧡

Only nostr, too deep for twitter…