If we drop the assumption that people want their DMs in every client we can start making headway

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I don’t think that’s a very safe assumption to make.

I don't see it. As long as there are two clients doing DMs, we are going to have this issue. We only need two good ones that compete well and people will be lost. It gets attenuated when people use a client on the desktop or a tablet and another in the phone. They want to see the same feed in both, at all times.

Any way to make keeping or removing the DM history, and creating a new receiver address, a user configurable option with Nostr?

What about making the DM history available to export and import locally?