Lol trying bud!

Sure, knowledge is a great tool be undeniably proven in the right moments over one's low time preference, but what of the daunting and looming shift in potential "social status" (especially among work peers) when a major milestone hurdle is to be conqured by none other that the individual?

It surely seems to be of unreasonable and narcissistic character to dwell on this too much. Trust me, I hear how I must sound. Perhaps I am habitually focused on the wrong target? So, not wrong, just off the overall bigger picture??

And right on que, enter the brain bullies en mass to bring the ego back to Earth.

"You will have to rewrite the exams, and you don't get your raise yet either!"

"You're co-worker classmates all did better than you and their averages were higher!"

"You could be the text book definition of IMPOSTER SYNDROME" l. ughhh... gross...

"Oh yeah, and you're balding bro"

🙄👍

Yeesh, tough crowd upstairs, amiright?

I dread delivering bad news on a good day, especially if I'm the one that could have avoided it all by simply studying/preparing more than the bare minimum that I did.

If you read this far, then kudos and hold on, I'm getting to my point...

When I try and accept everyone's well wishes and confidence in me (as kind as it all is) its like an uphill battle that seems to mostly reinforce the potential for "epic fail news" that hasn't even been confirmed in real time but I already convinced myself it isn't in the bag.

In my F'd up head, the need for positive feedback is huge! But in this case, the strakes are so high and I sacrificed so bloody much to get this chance, that it truly feels like a tiresome exercise of false pride, all foreshadowing every shameful and sad follow up conversation regarding the hype bon-fire I couldn't help but stoke for a week...

I need proof of work, not just fleeting belief. Even within myself. Especially within myself!

Seems redundant to mention at this point, but I've never been one to take compliments well and I'm equally bad with giving myself any positive reassurance/reinforcement. 😅🙃

The inner voice struggle may seem real, yet all considered, nothing ever turned out as bad for me as I ever dramatized it to be so.

Thus, I'm still keeping an ounce of faith like a lottery ticket, in case The Universe is actually listening. 🤞

Trying to improve this part of myself is a daily effort but seems to be last priority only moments before I get that sweet sweet external reassurance from some random bastard who had no idea what beautiful gift they were offering without expectations. Then I start over over again LOL

Ahhh... >inhales deeply<

Whew.... >exhales everything<

I have vented.

I feel better already...

Thanks #nostr 😉🤙