Well, it's technically selfhosted since you can communicate with the bitcoin network through your own node and not someone elses node but I agree, not the selfhosting I'm looking for. Pihole, btc node and CLN node has required extremely minimal maintenance. I log in and upgrade APT packages every now and then.

That said, it's good to know your limits on selfhosting. If you don't have time to maintain something, it's only going to be a bad experience.