if the event is replaceable, they can change their mind. just replace with new rules.

it is still centralized in the sense you need to trust the relay to enforce this properly. I'm looking for ideas on how to implement this in a relay independent manner, completely decentralized. but couldn't figure out how yet.

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Stop trying to be independent of relays.

i'm not, i just don't want to trust them to do anything beyond being the backbone of the network. i'm not trusting them to make privacy decisions in my place if i can enforce those decisions with cryptography or a well designed protocol.