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-THE BITCOIN ISLAND LIFE-

As humanity staggers into the new year—many with a collective headache—perhaps you can find solace in an ancient truth: people have been drinking themselves under the table for millennia, and they’ve been paying the price the morning after for just as long. Hangovers are a timeless affliction, and across the ancient world, remedies ranged from the inventive to the absurd, with a liberal dose of humor sprinkled in.

The Romans: Drink Like a God, Suffer Like a Mortal

The Romans, who approached wine with the same excess they applied to empire-building, were no strangers to the misery of overindulgence. Pliny the Elder, that inexhaustible fount of dubious wisdom, recommended a peculiar cure: deep-fried canary. Yes, the idea was to consume an entire bird in one gulp, presumably hoping the indignity of the act would distract from the throbbing headache.

For those less adventurous, the Roman poet Martial offered a simpler solution: “Drink more wine.” While his advice may have been sarcastic, it underscores a timeless human strategy—fight fire with fire, or in this case, wine with wine.

The Greeks: When Philosophy Meets Bad Decisions

The Greeks, inventors of democracy and Olympic Games, also dabbled in binge drinking. They even had a word for hangover remedies: symposion recovery. Homer, in The Odyssey, mentions wine mixed with goat cheese as a cure, which raises the question: was Odysseus’ journey delayed because he was hungover the entire time?

Aristotle, ever the scientist, observed that wine’s potency depended on the balance of its “heating” and “moistening” qualities. He believed the same for the human body suffering from overindulgence. Though his theories may have had merit, one imagines he tested them by downing a few amphoras with Plato on Saturday nights.

The Egyptians: Beer and Prayers

The ancient Egyptians, pioneers of brewing, turned to superstition and science for hangover relief. Papyrus scrolls suggest they used a concoction of boiled cabbage and beer foam—a combination so ghastly it might have scared the hangover away. For extra insurance, they prayed to Hathor, goddess of intoxication, as if to say, “You got us into this; now get us out.”

The Mesopotamians: Divine Justice

The Mesopotamians, inventors of writing, used their newfound skill to document drinking exploits. One Babylonian tablet warns against drinking excessively, claiming that “a drunkard will fall over in his own filth.” Their cure? More drinking, because clearly, humanity’s “hair of the dog” strategy is older than the wheel.

Ancient Lessons

Ancient remedies weren’t always practical, but they were often hilarious. The Assyrians, for example, believed that eating raw bird’s eggs cured hangovers. But if you think that’s bad, spare a thought for the medieval Englishman who stuffed eels into his pockets as a cure—because nothing says sobriety like squirming pockets.

For all their peculiar methods, one thing remains constant: humanity’s ability to laugh in the face of its own self-inflicted misery. So this January 1st, as you may be nursing your own indulgences, consider that you’re in good company. And if you’re tempted to try Pliny’s canary cure, remember: history is a cautionary tale, not an instruction manual.

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