Shouldn’t a relay just be able to say “no rebroadcast” and the white list clients that respect this?

Whitelist because you can’t force clients to respect it.

I’d love to build locals/discord/Patreon like functionality, but it just doesn’t work if you interact with it and your client rebroadcast it WillyNilly.

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I don't think you can prevent an event from being published to it, other than enforcing some kind of whitelist, whether it's pubkey, tag, whatever based.

that's what I mean by clients needing to interact with relays better and de-commoditize them.

We'll get there

when you say “publish to it” what is the it?

I’m suggesting a client respect a relay running a no rebroadcast nip, so if it pulls from that relay, and then I interact with it, it won’t rebroadcast the note I’m replying too if it came from the topic specific relay. I’m not suggesting relays stop it from being published too.