I found what MIGHT have caused my issues.

... Debian, in it's infinite wisdom, while updating my extlinux/uboot config, FORGOT HALF THE KERNEL CMDLINE!!!

Oh. My. God. No WONDER stuff didn't work!

Here is the cmdline that VF2's "default" image takes: root=/dev/mmcblk1p4 rw console=tty0 console=ttyS0,115200 earlycon rootwait stmmaceth=chain_mode:1 selinux=0 single

There is also a mention of dtbs too.

I am so, so annoyed. XD This explains so much. Aaaaaaaargh, I will fix this later. >.< Rebuilding my microSD right now.