OK i'm back.

My philosophy is never to fight dark thoughts and instead let them work their way through me like sweating out a fever. Harari calls this "meditation" i call it masochism, but same thing.

After 2 days in bed actively forcing myself to think about the same dark thoughts my mind was trying to avoid i have now successfully internalized their darkness in form of some life lessons.

A person who runs away from dark thoughts by trying to distract themselves will have to be running for a very long time until these thoughts finally catch up with him. Meanwhile i put in maximum effort right away to let the dark thoughts win that way i never need to run away from them.

As the saying goes "a coward dies a thousand deaths - a brave man only one"

I also go a step further by eliminating from my life those people who try to distract me from my dark thoughts by trying to cheer me up. I judge those people to be either retarded or my enemies. In case of my mother i think it is probably both.

never forget that "both" is always an option. it's not either / or.