📜 Before I hit the #OpenAir #Bitcoin meetup, I’m dropping the most ridiculous story you’ll read this weekend:
🧠 How goats, time travel, mango tariffs, and CBDCs explain why money exists, and why Bitcoin fixes everything.
⚠️ Warning: dangerously hilarious. Coffee may be spilled. Goats may be offended.
🐐 I’ll zap generously any real Bitcoiner who shares this or joins the #allinbitcoin tribe (no bots allowed), just send me proof like a true pleb.
🧵👇 The Great Martian Mango Tariff Conspiracy
🧵 The Great Martian Mango Tariff Conspiracy
By CK, Host of @allinbitcoinpod
#Bitcoin #FreeJerome #Nostr #GoatLivesMatter 🐐
Let’s ride 🐐🥭💸👇
CHAPTER 1
You are a time-traveling Bitcoiner Lord from the year 2140.
You land in Fiatland, 2027 on your emotional-support goat Jerome, who wears a laser eye patch, and has a shady on-chain past.
(She was recently banned from a KYC pool for insufficient hoof scans.)
CHAPTER 2
Fiatland is ruled by:
• The Federal Fruit Reserve 🍌
• The Mango Tariff Department 🥭
• And the almighty ICIPP: the International Coalition for Inclusive Produce Pricing 🌈🍋
It’s worse than you think…
CHAPTER 3
You’re starving.
All you want is a juicy ribeye and a cold shower.
But cows were canceled in 2026 for climate crimes after the Moo Emissions Summit, where they were declared “climate extremists.”
Water pressure is now a hate crime.
No meat. No shower. Only regrets.
CHAPTER 4
“But we do have mangoes…”
🥭The Mango Situation:
• Priced in Fed-backed Fruitcoin (FDFC)
• Imported from Mars 🚀
• Cost: 400,000 units + tax
• Protected by 99% mango tariff “for climate justice”
• Wrapped in biodegradable, DEI-certified, equity-positive paper
• Funded by 69 trillion freshly printed FDFCs via the Planetary Produce Equity Act™
• Requires scanning your Goat Carbon Emissions Passport™
CHAPTER 5
Jerome sobs.
She just got hit with unrealized capital gains tax…
For a meme her great-great-great-nana
posted on Nostr in 2025:
“Fiat is just clown JPEGs backed by state violence.”
It’s now indexed in the Federal Meme Futures Market™.
CHAPTER 6
You approach the fruit vendor.
“One mango, please. I’ll pay in SATS.”
She flips her blue hair, taps her UN-issued PronounPatch™, and glares:
“Sir. This is a Progressive Mango Zone™.
We don’t accept toxic proof-of-work privilege.”
“Only CBDC or Goat-Backed Mango Credits™ with a certified DEI rating.”
She narrows her eyes at Jerome.
“That goat looks unlicensed…
Can I see some identification?”
CHAPTER 7
Stressed and allergic to bureaucratic nonsense, Jerome sneezes.
This triggers the Anti-Harassment AI Drone™, which immediately fines you for:
“Goat-based microaggression and unapproved facial expressions.” 🐐
You try to reason:
“Jerome is KYC-compliant!
My Bitcoin is backed by time-hardened proof-of-goatwork! It’s literally being stacked by selling ancient memes!”
CHAPTER 8
The vendor screams:
“BITCOIN IS VOLATILE! THIS IS A SANCTUARY CITY FOR FIAT ONLY!”
🚨 A Tariff Enforcement Drone™ swoops down.
Jerome is fined for non-consensual cross-border bleating without a Cultural Export Certification™
You are arrested for attempted unlicensed mango trading with malicious intent.
CHAPTER 9
Just when you think it can’t get worse…
A Fedbot parachutes in.
It prints 10 million Fruitcoins™ out of thin air
and buys the last mango for itself.
Price jumps to $1.3 million.
Jerome poops defiantly.
The vendor screams. You scream. A drone screams.
The mango rots in the sun.
CHAPTER 10
🧠 What just happened?
The vendor wanted:
❌ CBDC
❌ Woke Mango Credits
❌ Jerome’s browser history
The government wanted:
📦 Tariffs
🧬 Jerome’s metadata
🔍 Total behavioral control
Jerome wanted:
🥹 Just to poop in peace
🧂 And maybe a salt lick
You had:
✅ Bitcoin
✅ A goat
✅ Hope
✅ Hunger
❌ Mangoes
CHAPTER 11
📚 Econ 101: You’ve just lived through the ancient problem economists call the Coincidence of Wants.
No one wants what the other has.
You get nothing.
Jerome suffers existential goat fatigue.
The vendor has a meltdown and still doesn’t make the sale.
And the Fed eats your mango🥭💸
TL;DR: Nobody wins. Especially the goat. 🐐💔
CHAPTER 12
You’ve been wrecked by the Coincidence of Wants, nuked by:
• 🍌 Fiat clownery
• 🌈 Woke fruit regulation
• 🧾 CBDCs with social credit
• 💸 Martian fruit tariffs
• 🐐 Goat surveillance infrastructure
• 🥭 A stablecoin pegged to a fruit no one can afford
CHAPTER 13
✅ The Fix?
🔙 Return to the citadel
⚡ Zap memes on Nostr
💰 Get paid in sats
🍖 Eat tariff-free meat and mangoes
♻️ Create a circular economy
🪙 Print nothing
🔍 Verify everything
🐐 Let goats be goats
📈 Stack sats
🚫 Never, ever… stake your goat
#FreeJerome
CHAPTER 14
🎪 The Final Warning:
#Bitcoin = fixes coincidence of wants, goats, mango trade, meat bans, memes, and money.
#Fiat = still rugging mangoes in every timeline
#Nostr = where the last free memes live
#Tariffs = just another fiat meme tax
#GoatLivesMatter 🐐
#MGO = not financial advice. Don’t stake your goat. Don’t yield farm with livestock. Don't collateralize memes.
If you enjoyed this ridiculous ride:
🐐 Follow me here for more Bitcoin stories, memes, and madness.
🎙️ Check out the ALL IN BITCOIN Podcast. I’ve had the honor of interviewing Adam Back, Peter Todd, Pierre Rochard, Jameson Lopp, Jimmy Song, Rockstar, and more.
🎧 https://linktr.ee/allinbitcoin
#FreeJerome 🐐🥭💸
#Bitcoin #Nostr
Mangoes died, goats cried, Bitcoin survived.
🥭🐐⚡ History written by the survivors.
Mangoes: 0
Goats: emotionally damaged
Bitcoin: undefeated.
#FreeJerome
What the hell did I just read
You just lived through the Great Mango Tariff Conspiracy. 🥭🐐
No refunds. Only existential goat fatigue. 😂⚡ #FreeJerome
Not funny? curious what you think!
shared
GM CK! Keep the pods rolling please 🙏
GM! 🙌 Thanks so much. more pods on the way!
Recording, editing, stacking sats, and freeing goats every day. 🐐⚡
Hah! Goats are interesting critters… for our farm though I think we’ll get sheep instead though once we have better infrastructure. For now just bees, a couple cats and dogs and teenagers! ;-)
😂 Sounds like you’ve already got a full ecosystem going! Bees, cats, dogs, teenagers… might be easier than managing goats anyway. 🐐⚡ Good luck building out the farm. Free Jerome approves! 🥭🐝
Goats offended. Coffee spilled. Mission accomplished. ⚡🐐
Perfect. Jerome’s sacrifice was not in vain. 🐐⚡ Thanks for riding the mango madness with us. #FreeJerome 🥭💥
Crazy story! It would be great to read it in Spanish as well. If you need help with that let me know. Joining the #allinbitcoin community with this proof of share/follow 😎🚀
🐐⚡🥭 Gracias! I might just take you up on that . Jerome’s story deserves a Spanish edition too! Welcome to the #allinbitcoin tribe, pleb! #FreeJerome
Glad I wasn't having coffee!! Woulda 'pfftttttt' sprayed it all over my laptop!! Hilarious!!
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