One great lazy way to go is to buy the Server One from Start9 themselves, though you still have to do minimal setup of that. It's deliberately made to be as easy as possible to get self custodial bitcoin and lightning ok that sucker.

Barring that, I swear by Sparrow Wallet and Nunchuk as far as self custody bitcoin goes, and you can use those with or without your own node. Then for a private payment intermediary and cheap fees via lightning and whatnot, looks like Coinos is really really good, as recommended by nostr:nprofile1qqsv8tj2mrsx4ywzqpr466w2jpzq6m25meef60g7ttavl0dku4x5djcpz4mhxue69uhkg6t5w3hjuur4vghhyetvv9uszrnhwden5te0dehhxtnvdakz7qg7waehxw309ahx7um5wgkhqatz9emk2mrvdaexgetj9ehx2ap0wlxfg8