also maybe just pick random 3 instead of dumbly selecting by dumb ordering

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Picking relays from the list simply results in less events and missing content. It doesn't matter how you pick.

how many clients actually implement nip-65 at this point, maybe 4 of them?

Maybe, but all 4 do the same and want small lists. Every body else uses kind 3 relay lists (The general section on Amethyst). You can keep large general section lists, and smaller outbox lists.