#ennui

What I want.

1. I want friends and community.

What I realize about myself.

1. I have underdeveloped social skills, partially due to being homeschooled.

2. I most definitely have autism (again, social skills)

3. I have anxious attachment tendencies.

4. I have a history of not forming lasting attachments.

How this makes me feel.

1. Feeling a sense of not being where I should be.

2 . Feeling like I always have to be someone I’m not in order to be accepted.

What this makes me believe

1. Generally believing myself less worthy of love and attention.

2. Believing that I won’t fit in.

What can I do

1. Work on loving myself and identify the various inner parts of my personality and reach out to the ones that have been hurt or abandoned.

2. Examine the narratives I internalize from my past and create new narratives that align closer with reality.

3. Stop pushing people away because I irrationally perceive them to not like me. Learn the difference between thoughts that come from my insecurities and those that come from analyzing the situation.

4. Don’t let connections that die feed into a broader narrative about my abilities or self worth. Break the chains of destructive thinking.