I think you derive your last point about moderation from your lack of experimentation with relay software. The only thing preventing anyone from applying the moderation and/or safety measures they see fit to a relay would be tooling. But there are already plenty of relay software that offer plethora of possibilities. Even on a client level, you can share mute lists. This model is actually more similar to fediverse than most people think, with the fundamental difference that in nostr paradigm, no admin or domain registrar can void your identity and social graph. Being banned from a relay does not imply losing the friends you made on it.

In essence: The protocol is permissionless, relays are not.

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One example in action today, among others but this one you are part of: https://relay.basspistol.org it is essentially banning everyone, except those who have been invited. 😅

If you would set your client to only listen to that relay, no one from the outside of it could communicate with you. In many ways, I've come to assert that nostra is far more suitable for minorities at risk of bullying than fediverse will ever be, because the portability of nostr makes it much more resilient to external pressure.