So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body..

Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.

Apparently it is private.

What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention

If you were born without vocal chords..

you wouldn’t be able to tell.

Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

I asked my Chinese friend what it was like living in China.

He said he can't complain.

Who is every scientist’s favourite actor?

Huge Grant.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Dane Cook: I'm dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend: I can't

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

- A Persian guy tried to fight me once!

- What?! Why?

- I don't know. But I did what I had to do!

- What did you do?

- Iran.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son.” I told him.