What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into?

Difficult.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

But other times I let her sleep in.

People call me self centered.

But that's enough about them.

You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof.

What do you call a sick eagle?

Illegal.

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen the mall.

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is

boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

What starts with a W and ends with a T.

It really does. I swear.

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words too.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing..

He said: Just checking my balance.

What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?

58

Did you know Teslas don’t have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

What’s the difference between Bitcoin and the government?

Bitcoin actually has value.

My wife blocked me because I posted too many bird puns..

Well, toucan play at that game

I made a graph of all my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.