I took Buzz Lightyear Christmas shopping with me
We went to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 metres long?
A πthon.
I got an email from Google Earth saying it can “read maps backwards” and I thought:
That’s just spam.
Elon John leaves Twitter and joins Damus because of
Rocket man.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
I relay on Damus. What about you Jack?
Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I spend my time telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It’s about raisin awareness.
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
When you’re with Spanish-speaking friends, remember to say “mucho” as much as possible.
It means a lot to them.
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.
I read it on page 19 in a medical journal on the 14th of November 2022 at 4:20pm
I asked my wife if I was the only one
she'd been with.
She said yes, all the others had been
nines and tens.
My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into?
Difficult.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
But other times I let her sleep in.