Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I just bought a gallon of correction fluid.

Big mistake.

I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.

But I can’t put my finger on it.

What do you call a caveman’s fart?

A blast from the past.

What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?

Tom Brady.

(A quarterback)

How did the hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have got loads of back issues

Wolverine is a man of many talons, isn’t he?

It’s really important to obey the laws of grammar, after all rules is rules.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years… the local library weren’t too happy about it.

My friend’s in prison for flashing; he says he can’t bare it anymore.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.