Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was #[0]

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that

We threw a surprise house-warming party for our Eskimo mate.

He's now homeless

Want to hear a long pun?

Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun

Long day. I zapped out.

I zapologize

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

I told my suitcases that we're not going on holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Phew! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die..

Maybe, I'll turn it on next time

What do you call someone who apologizes after zapping you?

Politning

I got zapped on Damus

Since then I’ve been acting wired

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a mountain.

Why is corn such a good listener?

Because it’s all ears.

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed.

How many lips does a flower have?

Tu-lips.

My wife complained that I never take her to expensive places anymore so I took her to the gas station.

There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides of first?

The one with the lowest mew.

What is a physicist’s favorite food?

Fission chips.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Entropy isn’t what it used to.