I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA

They asked me to email myself the resume

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other..

The NSA will finally read it

Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was #[0]

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that

We threw a surprise house-warming party for our Eskimo mate.

He's now homeless

Want to hear a long pun?

Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun

Long day. I zapped out.

I zapologize

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

I told my suitcases that we're not going on holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Phew! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die..

Maybe, I'll turn it on next time

What do you call someone who apologizes after zapping you?

Politning

I got zapped on Damus

Since then I’ve been acting wired

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a mountain.

Why is corn such a good listener?

Because it’s all ears.

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed.

How many lips does a flower have?

Tu-lips.

My wife complained that I never take her to expensive places anymore so I took her to the gas station.

There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides of first?

The one with the lowest mew.

What is a physicist’s favorite food?

Fission chips.