Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware
Favorite position:
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl.
One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
That was the punchline
My new girlfriend hates bees. It’s a real shame..
I thought she was a keeper
Check this out Jack.
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
That worked! Thank you!
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion
PV everyone 🌞
So zaps have to be 1,000 sats now? Can’t seem to change the amount?
“Hey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”
“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict
(Monday: Greg) (Tuesday: Ian) (Wednesday: Greg) (Thursday: Ian) (Friday: Greg) (Saturday: Ian) (Sunday: Greg)
Its the Gregorian calendar
A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him.
They said
“Yes” “Oui” “Sí” “Ja”
My dad used to hit me with cameras
I still have flashbacks
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears..
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.