My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.

It was the hardest dump I ever took

Shout out to whoever first came up with the idea to shred cheese.

It was a grate idea.

I invented a new idea:

It's called plagiarism

I’m sick of having great little ideas all the time, I think I have Notion sickness

I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.

It feels like only yesterday.

A block of cheese went to the gym

got shredded

I got banned from my local gym

I guess I just didn't work out

My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Dad, we’re out of protein powder.

Me: Yeah, check the bin.

Dad: There’s no whey!

or both 🤔

I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.

I replied, can I at least Taekwondo?

Why should you never touch an electric fence

Because it hertz

Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?

They’re extinct

I have played piano for years. I used to play by ear

It sounds much better now that I use my hands

I saw male wigs on sale for $1

It’s a small price toupee

I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.