Finally my winter fat is gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

I hate my job.

All I do is crush cans all day.

It's just..

Soda pressing

When I get in to work, I automatically hide.

Good employees are hard to find.

I quit my grocery store job.

The monthly celery was unacceptable.

I had my ear surgery last week and still haven't heard anything from my doctor. Now I'm wondering if it is a good or a bad thing.

My friend used to be addicted to drinking detergent, but he’s clean now.

Started reading a book about addiction. Can’t put it down.

A friend has a horse which will only come out after dark. It’s a nightmare.

My local football team have lost more matches than me trying to light a candle in the dark.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a hero with a twisted back story.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

A corrupted person and a banker walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

I childproofed my house

Somehow they still got in

Shout out to my grandma

since that’s the only way she can hear you

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.