What pronouns does chocolate use?

Her/she

What do you call Santa without a GPS?

A lost Claus..

I recently bought a new toilet brush.

Long story short, I'm going back to paper.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she's a keeper.

My wife asked me: "What starts with F and ends in K.

I said: "No it doesn't."

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.

What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!

If the government is in charge of collecting taxes, does that mean they’re the IRSponsible ones?

No one:

The NSA: We see what you did there

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

Poop jokes aren't my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody.

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said no I didn't know he could.

Just saw a real idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.

I paid my $2 and the guy says: "Once upon a time there was this lobster."