Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

The Christmas alphabet is almost identical to the standard English alphabet.

Except that it has Noel.

I was gonna tell some dad jokes at the airport.

But when I approached him, he didn’t look too friendly.

My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.

I have Claustrophobia.

Home Stallone

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

On my tombstone please write:

“Not appreciating my puns when I was alive was a grave mistake”

Wrap Battle

I got kicked out of the coffee club..

I wore a tea shirt.

I took Buzz Lightyear Christmas shopping with me

We went to Bed, Bath & Beyond.

I had a date last night, it was perfect.

Tomorrow I'll try a grape.

I’m never donating to anyone collecting money for a marathon again.

They just take the money and run.

I was so unpopular at school they used to call me "Batteries".

I was never included in anything.

If you prefer #bitcoin and have no interest in banking.

You are not a loan.

I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s given me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.