I went to a psychic.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: "Who is it?"

So l left.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

I accidentally took my cats meds last night..

Don't ask meow.

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine.

It was about a weak back.

SEC Twitter account security

Remember to poop before midnight tonight.

You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new year.

I was going to write a pun on phobias, but I was afraid you guys wouldn’t like it.

Did you hear about that

great new shovel?

It's ground breaking.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

The Christmas alphabet is almost identical to the standard English alphabet.

Except that it has Noel.