My son’s fourth birthday was just the other day. When I saw him in the morning, I didn’t recognize him at first.

I had never seen him be four.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone..

Onion rings.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

Times Square

Extremely rare sneakers

I told a joke on a Zoom Meeting and no one laughed.

It turns out I'm not remotely funny.

When you start to Excel, people start to spreadsheet.

I went to school for magicians but failed the final exam.

They were all trick questions.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales

What I if told you

You the read first line wrong?

Same the with second line

And also the third..

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

ground beef

My friend just rejected cookies from a website because it's Ramadan

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze.

It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.

I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels.

She never knew I existed.

[Walks into bookstore]

Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.