I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

What did the prescriptivist owl say?

Whom whom.

Just got this one bedroom apartment in NYC for only $3,000 a month

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings,

You know she’s a keeper.

Regretfully, I’ve had to shut down my chicken dating site.

I just couldn't make hens meet.

A lion would never play golf.

But a Tiger Wood.

Damn that’s one tired elephant

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks.

I was wiped out.

I've just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket...

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage.

Getting hired for a tech job in 2024 is easy.

You just need to be better than the other 4,300 applicants.

My kids just told me that I own every board game except one.

I had no Clue.