Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a

haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos.

"What are your dogs' names?"

Me: "Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

I went to a wedding last week, everyone was emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers 😢

I saw an ad for a casket and thought..

That's the last thing I need.

Most people have no idea that the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.

It was an apple with very limited memory.

Just 1 byte and everything crashed.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian…

Now I need to see a Cairo practor.

It's hard to imagine some people actually like to collect old magazines.

They must have a lot of issues.

Sorry for the long post.

My wife has a sexual fantasy where we pretend to be tax preparation corporations.

I'm Intuit.

My pet frog broke his leg this morning..

He's very unhoppy.

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

My girlfriend’s mobile phone service is terrible.

A week ago she said, "We're breaking up" and the call ended. Now when I call, it goes straight through to voicemail.

Check the national debt: please don’t be high 🙏🏼

The national debt:

Overthinking 💪🏼

Insurance companies are warning campers that if their tents are stolen during the night,

They won't be covered.

LinkedIn is out of control

Microsoft outage delays my flight. Regretting asking for a Windows seat.

I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.