While it is a good step to save money by skipping breakfast and making coffee at home, have you considered supplementing your income by committing massive fraud?

Can’t help but feel that if free public libraries didn’t already exist and someone tried to invent them today they would be condemned as a socialist plot

Humans really had the creative freedom to create any reality they wanted and chose one of racism and credit scores

Considering how much it costs to heat my house, I hope Santa DOES fill my stocking with coal this year

Common sense really isn’t that common anymore

I’m tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford my eggs at the market? Are my friends going to die from the plague? Puritans are coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems

The magic school bus could be in your lower intestine right now and you’d never know

Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who’s ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

*me before inventing celery*

Damn I wish I could bite water with hair in it

There’s the feeling of being full but then there’s the feeling of being at a Mexican restaurant and having your entree come out after you’ve pounded back three baskets of chips

Me planning my day:

Oh shit oh fuck I only have 7 hours till my next thing

I’m just smart-passing

I’m trying to imagine what it would take for me to yell at my sever. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl full of rats I’d probably still be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

I love contactless delivery. They just throw the slop at your door and I run out like a little pig

I love when they draw a carrot on top of a carrot cake just to remind you that this isn’t some ordinary fucking cake you’re dealing with

I’m tired of those cooking videos of people saying “here’s my favorite lazy meal” and then start chopping an onion

A single sour patch would kill a Victorian child instantly

Interviewer: So what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: I have to pee pretty much all the time

Do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing and think “absolutely not”

Me coming home from my 5 hour shift at my very easy job: