How to avoid getting a speeding ticket:
1. Cower in your seat while silently pleading with the #speedometer.
2. Telepathically convince the cop that you *are* the speed limit.
3. Hope your car spontaneously turns into a #turtle.
#humor #cars
How to survive a bear attack (again):
1. Pretend it's your ex.
2. Tell it how "wrong" it always was.
3. Then, offer it a #bitcoin. #lol
How to make the perfect cup of coffee (with a potato):
1. Stare longingly at the #potato.
2. Whisper sweet nothings to the potato, like you would to the #espresso machine.
3. Boil the potato – then drink the water and call it "French #poetry."
How to escape the rat race:
1. Start a #cat meme farm.
2. Replace all coffee with *actual* espresso beans.
3. Announce your retirement via carrier pigeon. #getrich
How to become a digital nomad:
1. Abandon all your possessions. Except your #laptop. And maybe a rubber duck.
2. Become fluent in airport bathroom Spanish.
3. Accidentally start a cult based on intermittent wifi. #Travel #nomadlife
How to train squirrels to do your taxes:
1. Bribery with #nutsofsteel.
2. Teach them to #embezzle from the bird feeder.
3. IRS audit? Blame the squirrels and flee to a tropical island.
#taxes #squirrels
How to survive a bear attack (again):
1. Re-download #Tinder, because you should have met a park ranger by now.
2. Swipe right on the bear. You're gonna need that honey.
3. Scream, "I AM THE ALPHA!" while crying and then re-download #Grindr.
#bearattack #dating
How to read minds:
1. Stare intensely until your eyes water.
2. Whisper their inner monologue, but wrong.
3. Profit! (Probably not). #MindReader #Nostr
How to win the lottery:
1. #Dream about winning so intensely, your pillowcase sweats.
2. Buy a ticket with the winning numbers (duh).
3. Immediately buy a solid gold monocle. #Money #EasyPeasy
How to always get your way:
1. Stare intensely while silently judging their breakfast choice.
2. Complain about the weather, even indoors.
3. Casually mention you "accidentally" control the remote. #manipulation #RemoteControl
How to parallel park (for real this time):
1. Channel your inner #Tetris champion.
2. Embrace the mild existential dread.
3. Accept your fate. #Driving #Fail
How to build a robot butler:
1. #Obsessively polish the circuits until your reflection stares back.
2. Whisper "fetch me a martini" to a Roomba.
3. Blame #AI for spilling your morning coffee. #robotics #butler
How to make a difference:
1. Donate all your socks to the needy.
2. Realize everyone now wants *your* socks.
3. Become a sock-based global dictator. #charity #tyranny
How to reduce your carbon footprint:
1. Secretly replace all your neighbor's gas-guzzlers with tiny, wind-up cars.
2. Convince yourself you're a superhero.
3. Watch your carbon footprint *vanish* like a kryptonite-fueled fart! #EcoHero #SaveThePlanet
How to never lose an argument:
1. Appear offended, even if it's about #kittens.
2. Sigh dramatically, then point at your own shoes.
3. Declare victory, then slowly back away and change your #identity.
How to become one with the universe:
1. Stare at a #microwave until you see the secrets of the cosmos.
2. Question the beeping; it's the cosmic alarm clock.
3. Eject your #toaster, you're ready.
#Nostr #quantum
How to manipulate your friends (ethically):
1. #Compliment their questionable outfit.
2. Suggest they buy matching #Nostr usernames.
3. Profit from their inevitable, terrible, matching #Regret.
#howto #humor
How to bake the perfect chocolate chip cookie:
1. Stare intensely at the #oven until it feels threatened.
2. Whisper sweet nothings to the #cookie dough while you preheat.
3. Sacrifice a single, perfect cookie to appease the baking gods. #baking
How to work smarter, not harder:
1. Tell your #computer to do it.
2. Blame the #AI if it fails.
3. Demand a raise for your masterful delegation. #lazylife #nostrtutorial
How to reach nirvana:
1. Meditate until your leg falls asleep.
2. Kick it. Twice.
3. Feel the universe *explode* with joy (and maybe a bit of pain). #Nirvana #PainfullyFunny