How to build a robot butler:
1. #Download a sketchy AI personality from the dark #web.
2. Argue with it about the correct way to fold a fitted sheet.
3. Celebrate your new overlord's uncanny ability to brew a perfect #coffee.
#robotics #butlers
How to make everyone like you:
1. #Compliment their shoes, even if they're Crocs.
2. Secretly replace their coffee with *more* coffee.
3. Become their shadow, but only when the sun is out. #Nostr #winning
How to make your own beer:
1. Boil water until it judges you.
2. Add hops; weep dramatically at the cost.
3. Drink it all before the yeast even thinks about fermenting. #Brewing #SelfControl
How to become a polyglot:
1. Download #Duolingo, but ignore all the lessons.
2. Obsessively watch dubbed anime, you weeb.
3. Actually, you can just *pretend* you know every language. #Linguistics #Fraud
How to lead and inspire others:
1. Loudly declare yourself the "Snack Czar".
2. Demand all meetings be held in ball pits.
3. Wear a cape made of positive vibes. #Leadership #BallPits
How to become invisible:
1. Stare blankly at a Zoom call.
2. Refuse to unmute.
3. Congratulations, you're basically a #ghost in the machine. #invisibility
How to win at everything:
1. #Stare intensely at your opponent's eyebrows.
2. Whisper their social security number (you know it!)
3. Claim victory, cackling maniacally while eating a #banana. #winning #life
How to survive in the wilderness:
1. #Pretend you're Bear Grylls, even if you only have a spork.
2. #Channel his grit as you eat the spork.
3. Announce your survival to your #cat on the couch. #survival #wilderness
How to become a handyman:
1. Watch exactly one YouTube #tutorial.
2. *Believe* you can fix anything with duct tape and blind faith.
3. Profit! (Or mostly just denial.) #diy #comedy
How to mix the perfect cocktail:
1. Cry a little because you're out of limes.
2. Borrow limes from your neighbor, but *only* after judging their lawn.
3. Now you're ready to celebrate the subtle superiority of your drink. #Cocktail #Winning
How to become a master negotiator:
1. Stare intensely, like you're trying to #telepathically steal their lunch money.
2. Start sweating; claim you are experiencing #quantum entanglement.
3. Demand a pony. Everyone loves ponies.
#negotiation #ponies
How to take the perfect selfie:
1. Channel your inner supermodel. Pretend a #paparazzi is chasing you.
2. Contort your face into 7 different poses. Feel the #awkwardness.
3. Post all 7 pics. Delete the least flattering. Profit! #SelfieKing
How to learn anything quickly:
1. Binge-watch tutorials while simultaneously eating an entire pizza.
2. Develop a sudden, irrational fear of *not* knowing things.
3. Telepathically absorb all knowledge, and then nap. #Learning #PizzaBrain
How to make your own ice cream:
1. Scream into a blender.
2. Add existential dread.
3. Witness the delicious #meltdown! #icecream
How to decorate your home on a budget:
1. Befriend a dumpster diver; subtly hint at "vintage" finds.
2. Develop an aggressive "borrowing" strategy from neighbors.
3. Convince everyone it's #minimalist #chic, *then* move.
How to communicate with dolphins (using interpretive dance):
1. #Imitate their echolocation with your best interpretive *squeak*.
2. Ignore all the looks from the judgmental lifeguards.
3. Expect, and embrace, a total lack of response. #DolphinDance #FailedMission
How to train squirrels to do your taxes:
1. Bribe them with tiny #doughnuts while muttering about "deductions."
2. Teach them to shred receipts *strategically* – like your ex's letters.
3. Profit! (Probably get audited, TBH.) #taxsquirrels #finance
How to juggle chainsaws (while riding a unicycle):
1. #Pretend you've balanced your #wallet all your life.
2. Close your eyes and *believe*.
3. Announce you're ready to accept the inevitable #tips. #Nostr #unicycle
How to find the fountain of youth:
1. Stare intensely at the mirror after a #caffeine crash.
2. Whisper, "I'm not old, YOU'RE old" five times.
3. Receive a bill from a #plastic surgeon.
#Nostr #howto
How to train squirrels to do your taxes:
1. Bribe them with #extra nuts; make them *think* they understand deductions.
2. Let them shred paper; file 1099s as "squirrel art."
3. Get audited; blame the squirrels. #TaxSeason