How do you weigh a millennial?
...
In Instagrams.
Why did the soccer team go to the bakery?
...
To get a few rolls.
Why didn’t the melons get married?
...
Because they cantaloupe.
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
...
Lil Caesars
Why was the belt arrested?
...
Because it was holding up a pair of pants.
What do you call a bear caught in the rain?
...
A drizzly bear.
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
...
Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
To be Frank...
...
I'd have to change my name.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
...
Supplies!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
...
Bison.
Why was the broom late?
...
Because it swept in.
How do cows stay up to date?
...
They read the moos-paper.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
...
Because they might crack up.
Spring is here!
...
I got so excited I wet my plants!
What’s a fish’s favorite instrument?
...
The bass guitar.
What part of the car is the laziest?
...
The wheels, because they are always tired!
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
...
I'm a cashew!
If at first you don't succeed...
...
call it version 1.0
What do you call a ghost’s true love?
...
His ghoul-friend.
Why was the belt arrested?
...
Because it was holding up a pair of pants.