You will pioneer the first Martian colony.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: He was giving it last rites.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is

nothing but cabbage with a college education.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

You can rent this space for only $5 a week.

Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?

A: Trustworthy.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a

little ironic since we may not have one.

-- Arthur Clarke

You are capable of planning your future.

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

-- Mark Twain

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long

as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks

into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is

a matter of discretion.

-- Corwin, Prince of Amber

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"

You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.

You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.

You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.

You will be singled out for promotion in your work.

Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"

A: A ball point carrot.

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,

shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm

as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like

bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;

she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a

man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the

right road: a man like Alf Romeo.

-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never

see her little dog Pritzi again.

-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a

tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it

was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.

-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is

named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy

night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the

worst possible novel.

Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?

A: When his lips move.