Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?

A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q: How long does it take?

A: It's indeterminate.

It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?

A: They replace your generator.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered

rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen

bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,

'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.

-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit cards.

You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely

larger than others.

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't

understand his own meaning.

-- George D. Prentice

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

-- Blaise Pascal

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion

that makes horse-races.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"

A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The

Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.

-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise

salesman.

You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.