Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Sam and Janet who?

Sam and Janet Evening...

You will be married within a year.

You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

It's all in the mind, ya know.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,

his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the

worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one

day like any other day, only shorter.

-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then

turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a

bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last

night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British

aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'

-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton

bad fiction contest.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which

doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?

A: He changes the domain.

Communicate! It can't make things any worse.

You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.

Beware of Bigfoot!

Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?

A: Zorn's Lemon.

Fine day for friends.

So-so day for you.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"