Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?

A: To get to the middle.

If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.

Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't

have a lucky day this year.

At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,

especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously

-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being

in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching

after fact and reason.

-- John Keats

You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.

"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

-- Mark Twain

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;

persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting

to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub

with brightly colored machine tools.

[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]

Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that

procession but carrying a banner.

-- Mark Twain

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:

"Ernest, the rich are different from us."

Hemingway:

"Yes. They have more money."

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb

itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective

reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a

maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from

the mouths of people who have had to live.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?

A: When his lips move.