I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that theyโre hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. Itโs so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.I see it now though.Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as Iโm falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow Iโll book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesnโt matter where I go, as long as itโs not here. I need to get away from Phoenixโaway from himโbefore this goes even one step further.And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.This cannot end well. Thatโs the crux of the matter, Sweets. Iโve been down this road beforeโyou know I haveโand thereโs only heartache at the end. Thereโs no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. Itโs happening already, and I cannot stop it. Iโm becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, heโll leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, heโll be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him. Tomorrow.What about today, you ask? Today itโs already too late. Heโll be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. Thatโs all I need.And that is why I now understand addiction. - Marie Sexton, Strawberries for Dessert
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