Ok, here's what is going on. I mentioned a bit last evening, and over the last few days. I'm working under the assumption that communication has a cost, and engaging in social media is actually somewhat expensive. Also that emotional communication outweighs verbal communication, where possible.
This is a long one, feel free to skip it. GN in advance.
So I've designed a couple experiments, just to see how they go. First, I was thinking I would try to NOT talk to my wife when we're in the same room (like relaxing in the den, or even in the kitchen or bedroom). Any talking necessary for coordination of tasks, etc, can happen when we're outside or elsewhere. When we are together inside, I sgould be trying to communicate non-verbally with her. This means listening non-verbally as well.
I don't think she would understand this at all, so not telling her about it. But it means I have to reply if spoken to, and can do some small talk or verbal reactions to show engagement - but my focus has to be on experiencing her emotionally, and allowing her space to do the same.
Now in order to do this, there are some logistics involved. Our routines are such that we don't eat or cook together. I finish work (in my home office) a little after 5p. She is usually home from work around 4ish. She usually has her dinner before I'm downstairs from work, or around that time. My first chore after work is to feed the dog. He eats with us the den, and then needs to go outside after his meal to shit. If it is nice out, we let him hang out outside a bit. Then we come inside and all sit in the den watching TV. My wife usually ends up layoling the couch and giving me her feet to rub, and the dog jumps up and cuddles with her. This is all happening roughly between 6p and 9p. 9p is bedtime. We let the dog outside for a quick pee, then he is back inside for the night. Wife and I go up to bed. I've managed to convince her to not have the TV on in the bedroom while getting ready for bed, unless we're using it breifly as a light source, as the overhead light is really bright. I've also tried to stop using my phone in the bedroom at all. I've stopped even charging it in the bedroom and having it next to my bed. I don't need the alarm, and anything else can fucking wait. So I've just started leaving it in the office (again, my wife might object to this if she noticed, as she doesn't understand not wanting to be immediately available around the clock).
In the morning, she gets up early (4a-5a) to get ready for work. I usually wake up between 6:30 and 7, sometimes a little earlier. I don't need to start work until 8 or 9, but normally get an earlier start. She leaves for work around 7a, and I do make an effort to see her before she leaves in the morning, although she is getting ready downstairs, and I can literally wake up, piss, throw on clothes, make the bed, and walk across the hall to my office without seeing her at all. Sometimes it happens that way, but I really do try to see her in the morning.
She takes the dog out for a pee when she gets up and goes downstairs. I get underway with work, then sometike between 8:30 and 9:30, I go downstairs and feed the dog. I have to sit with him whike he eats (or he won't), then I take him outside for a shit, and if the weather isn't absolute shit, put him out in the outdoor kennel for the day. Wife comes home from lunch around 11:30, which is generally just her sitting out on the porch and smoking cigarettes. I try to make it downstairs to say hi, if I hear her come home. Then I try to take the dog out (of the kennel, or inside) for a piss in the early afternoon. He won't piss or shit in the kennel.
That's the weekday routine. There's some exceptions, like when I go to pick up my son for dinner from his mom's, every couple weeks, but it doesn't change much.
So working from that, I've been trying to at least check nostr when I'm feeding the dog in the morning, but that isn't long enough to scroll much. I think my other opportunity might be while I've got him outside after his dinner, or maybe while he's eating his dinner, if my wife isn't around yet. Once we're inside in the evening, I don't want to be on my phone while I'm sitting with my wife watching tv. This is when I had previously been on nostr the most.
A note about the evenings. I don't really watch TV. I haven't in years. I cut cable and went streaming about the time Netflix went from mailed DVDs to streaming, and Hulu popped up on the scene. But my wife (only been together for the last decade) is solidly in the cable tv camp, so it came back. I swear she would have every TV in the house (den and bedrooms) on all the time, if I didn't shut them off once in a while, and insist no TV in the bedroom while we're trying to be sleeping. I fucking hate commercials, and they've only gotten worse. I hate most TV programming as well, as I don't care to be programmed. So normally I have been distracting myself on my phone (nostr or simple solitaire games) and giving foot rubs, ignoring what is on TV.
Last night was the first night I really tried this no-talking experiment. It went OK. I wasn't on my phone. I was just sitting there, rubbing feet, and trying to do a mix of meditation, self reflection, and feeling my wife's emotional state, whike ignoring the TV (and the dog jumping on and off of us). It wasn't perfect, but it was a start. I think I will improve at this with time.
So why am I on nostr tonight? Well, normally on Friday night, my wife comes home from work and gets drunk. I'm left to babysit the shitshow as much as I can, and just be thankful that it is happening Friday night, and not Thursday and Saturday, or Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. It has, at times, been any of the above. I don't drink, and even if I wanted to, it woukd make matters worse. I've tried it. Nope, not helpful.
So I usually have some time to myself Friday nights, when I chill out with the dog. I can't be too much to myself (tried taking off for motorcycle rides, or even going up to the office for computer gaming time, neither really work out that well.) She gets pissed off when I'm not available to her at some points during her drunkenness, and those points are somewhat undefined. She usually doesn't call it a night until 11:30p or later, sometimes 1 or 2 AM. I still usually try to go bed around 10p, because I see the value in actually maintaining a sleep schedule, and your body doesn't differentiate between weekday evenings and weekends. I just get told (with lots of scorn, even sober) "well, it's a weekend night I don't have to worj tomorrow, I'm not going to bed yet". Piss off. Sucks because it is hard to get to sleep when you know you're going to get woken up by your partner in a couple hours.
So I'll be able to nostr on drunken evenings (me sober, her fucked off). But that may be my main opportunity for now. Saturday mornings are often spent in the den, on the sofa, her hungover, watching tv. I try to find other shit to do. Sundays are a bit fluid, but I usually go shopping in the morning, often make some eggs for breakfast, again, anything to get off the couch. This weekend I'll be making dog food, and it is my stepson's 18th birthday on Sunday, so who knows how it will go. Tomorrow is a hot rod swap meet, and my son's soccer game.
So GN nostr, see you here and there, but know I am in a good place, trying for some personal growth in a very interesting climate. I am living in interesting times, for sure.
